Creating Space for your own Wellness

 I am sitting in the back of my  Lyft, on my way to San Fransisco for my 5th KAP treatment for PTSD.  I spent the day trying to prepare my body, mind and most important, my soul.

Toxic relationships seem to come barreling through when I am doing my damnedest to keep myself safe and sane.

Many know the relationship with my son is rocky to say the least.

“All teens are like this”

“He will grow out of it”

He is brutal.

He is outright mean.

He is extremely proud of how disrespectful he is.

He enjoys punishing me for the lies his father has built in his mind.

This is my relationship with my one and only child.

And I keep coming back.

Like an old faithful dog that has spent its life being kicked and chained to a tree with little room to explore.

I can’t hide this. I won’t. I know I am not the only one.  I cannot be ashamed.

I have given all my soul.

All my spirit.

I have given this relationship my health and wellness.

What I never got from my parents.

DNA is a bitch. He carries so many traits of his father. He was not even raised around or spent any significant amount of time with his father. Not by my choice. I have fought for over 18 years for his father to be a father.

All to bite me deep in the ass.

Once again kicking that old dog.

His dad liked to beat me.

“I don’t remember, I am sorry, I was drunk.”

Yet for 2 years, in his “blackouts”, he was aware enough to never hit me where it could not be covered up by clothing.

My son has never hit me, he has lunged at me, he has chased me around the house.  The verbal abuse is there though. In force.

I worry that he may treat a spouse like his dad treated me.

But truth be told. I cannot change him.

At his core he is a brilliant and kind person. Totally different from how he is with me. Strangers  literally stop me in public to compliment how kind and respectful my son is.

“You have done and amazing job parenting!”

I got that going for me at least!

His dad is one failure and lie after another.  My son wanted to kill himself because of his father.  That 2 years was ROUGH.  15 years old and suicidal and angry. His father no where to be found to step in and help pr support. But to this day, that man can keep letting him down, time after time, lie, betray and he still treats him like a hero, like he walks on water. I don’t get it but this is our path.

I share all of this because in our life we are presented with relationships that hurt.

They rip the very seam of your soul into pieces, the pain and disappointment is almost unbearable.

Relationships that make you question your own worth.

You own reason for existing. Especially when it comes to a parent or a child.

Will he “grow out of it”

He will grow, we know that for sure. Into what,  that is for him to decide. I cannot control that.

But I can control what power I give to it.

I gave my all to the point that death felt like it was the only thing I had not tried.

I had to take back my power.

Since the day I looked at him and told him these words…

“ I love you with all my being. I will always love you. If someone threatened to hurt or kill you, I would take a bullet for you without even thinking. But I will not die for you because you are not happy with who you are. I will not go down with you. Because I love myself too”

You see, as with most of our adult relationships, we cannot control the other person.  He is now technically an adult, a young one, but an adult.  He is choosing WHO an WHAT he wants the world to see.  What I know is he has been raised in a home where he has witnessed 2 people unconditionally love each other.  My wife took him on as her own when he was 7 because his father was not willing to be a parent.

He knows what struggle looks like, and he knows what it looks like coming out of it with a set of parents, that truly lift each other up.  I have modeled “real unconditional love” for him and he has always been safe and taken care of.

So his journey now will be his.

I have created a large amount of space for my own health.  I have things to do in this life. I know who I want the world to see. I know who I want to see when I look in the mirror.

We all have these relationships, mine is more “taboo” because it is my child but it does not mean we deserve less.

Create the space you need to be healthy.

Take no shame in standing your ground.

You cannot change others.

You can model behavior, and you should.

This is good for everyone around you in your community.

In the end we cannot hate ourselves into a version that we love.

Our preservation, our livelihood lies within our wellness.

The spaces we create.

The relationships we choose.

The words we speak to ourselves.

The way we care for our bodies.

The way we care for our minds.

And how we feed our soul and spirit.

 -THE ALCHEMY BEE